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ratpoisonedfreak's Journal

11th April, 2012. 10:55 pm. I don't know you and wouldn't like you if I did.

Now and then I think of when we were together
Like when you said you felt so happy you could die
Told myself that you were right for me
But felt so lonely in your company
But that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness
Like resignation to the end, always the end
So when we found that we could not make sense
Well you said that we would still be friends
But I'll admit that I was glad it was over

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to know
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me over
Part of me believing it was always something that I'd done
But I don't wanna live that way
Reading into every word you say
You said that you could let it go
And I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
And you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Current mood: amused.

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10th April, 2012. 10:56 pm. Wall

I've crawled into a hole called
Ripped out a torn bleeding
and replaced it with a machine

Current mood: contemplative.

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18th March, 2012. 1:44 pm. Happiness is

A kiss good morning when he thinks I'm still asleep,
a text during the day to ask me how my day is going and an "I love you" at lunch,
a hug and a kiss when I get home and asked about my day,
an "everything okay" even when it is just to make sure, and give me a chance to vent if I need to,
teasing and laughter, and silliness at the most random times and places,
a foot rub just cause my feet our there,
being asked if I need money anytime I leave the house,
being able to go out with friends with an "I love you have fun" and not worrying I'll get harassed all night about where I am and what I'm doing,
being picked up and spun around like a little kid,
a bubble bath with candles when I get home because I had a busy day,
"I'll be home in a minute" actually means in a minute not a few hours,
Trust, Love, laughter =Happiness

Current mood: happy.

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22nd December, 2011. 10:19 pm. A very merry indeed

I honestly have to say I have never felt so treasured. That I'm accepted just how I am, being me isn't questioned like I'm someone else pretending to be who I am. I can have a life an existence, and it's not doubted and scrutinized at every turn. I'm valued because I'm me. I'm treated with respect and love not from anything other than just because I'm me everyday all day. I'm happy, truly and deeply.

Current mood: loved.

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3rd December, 2011. 9:55 pm. What I'd like to say in public

Your an Asshat, you've wasted my life and my time and my money, I got rid of you AND still can't get rid of you. You are selfish,a liar, and a waste of air, you spend your time and money on pot and your friends and your how far behind in child support oh 1700$ and 1200$ in alimony you piece of shit! I'd give up what I'm personally owed for having ever put up with you if you supported your kids, but noooo that would take away from your happy happy joy joy life in la-la land would you die already? At least then I could pretend to the kids you were a decent human being instead your showing them over and over again your a sick selfish fuck, it's way more important to give a friend a bedroom than your children, more important to have to go "run an errand" than go to your kids parent teacher conference, more important to hangout with your friends than ever call or text your children, and when you do see them and they are grounded for lying, sneaking and HUGE fuck ups oh well that's ok you only get them 2 days 2 times a month so it doesn't matter it's happy fun time with "dad" grounding doesn't stick there cause you CHOOSE not to see them more so why should YOU be punished by them being punished lets teach them selfish is ok, entitlement is ok, breaking the law is ok, screw the rules it's fun time! You fuck you worthless deadbeat lazy lying cheating manipulating loser! I live with the thought eh at least someday you'll be dead I'm betting that will be before me asshole! When you die alone which you will, when you realize how far you alienated your children your parents your aunts and uncles and cousins because "why can't I just be happy" isn't good enough excuse for being what you really are you'll be alone and I won't! Dick!

Current mood: enraged.

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19th October, 2011. 10:23 am. I can't imagine sounding like this

So in preparing to have someone else's children around and how to handle the ups and downs of that I've been reading forums on "step" or "bonus" parenting. All I can say if wow really people! I can't imagine being ticked off that my SO has to pay child support and treating it like a such a horrible thing that his babies mama gets money from him for the children.People have children together all the time and if they stay together they pay plenty then and probably in some situations more when they stay. Maybe it's because I get child support maybe they don't or have never had the shoe on the other foot. Then I hear all the crazy reason why a noncustodial parent should pay more and more and more besides the support. Yes sometimes I ask my ex for extra I give reasons why ( and it's ALWAYS for extra the kids need or want) and if he says no or can't so be it I deal. Every time I get a payment a little of it goes to savings in the kids name, because one day that support won't be there they will be adults heading out on their own and I can feel good giving them money that their dad provided for them to start that adult life ( if he never manages anything else he's done he's provided financially more now than ever when we were together) As the mom who gets support it is my responsibility to use that support anyway I want but I like knowing I can look back and say I kept a roof over their heads clothes on their backs, fun things to do books to read games to play an education and values and regardless their dad helped make that possible just like they are here partially because of him. However parents are responsible for their children regardless of who has them more often. I have heard the bitching and complaining of "provide the kids clothes at your house, because I'm not sending clothes anymore" end of things and though the parent that says that may be using it as manipulation towards the other parent to "hurt their wallet" what's the big deal, their your/mine/our etc kids buy them clothes so they have sensible things to wear and you don't have to worry if the other parent sends non weather/situational clothes because you've got it under control. So the other parent doesn't DO things your way ok give them balance and stability when you have them don't be petty and nit picky unless the kids are truely being hurt by it. Nobody parents the same way. Kids figure it out when they grow up they know who did what and what it taught them, and I'm one of those kids. So yeah maybe being the child of divorce, a parent of divorce makes the game less cloudy for me. Sure there are many days I want to kick my ex in the face for his poor parenting and selfishness (okay lots and lots of days) but are my kids going to hear that from me? Hell no! He's their dad and when he drops the ball they have mom, Ray, grandparents aunts and uncles and plenty who care to make up for that. Their dad is the one who loses out not the kids. So maybe parents and step/bonus parents might want to rethink their petty bicker-bitch fests and realize in the end it's they who lose out behaving that way because the children aren't as stupid as grown-ups might think.

Current mood: creative.

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5th January, 2010. 7:02 am. Tired

There has been so much going on I fell run down. The Holiday's were great and things went well, but I really struggled to not think about where I was a year ago and how much I was suffering with no end in sight. Yet I did manage with only one outburst of emotion and I'm slowly moving past at least the emotional roller coaster the holiday's trigger, onto the next month we go.
 I'm tired though emotionally there are days I just don't want to feel to give myself a break even if it's a good happy day. I just feel like an emotional break would be so good for me. Is it nap time yet?

Current mood: blank.

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12th April, 2008. 3:46 pm. Yes this is ment for you.

You know who your are following every move I make. Checking my answers and responses for subversion. Searching and digging till you turn over bones that are not yours to handle. What is it you are so desperate for? Maybe I withhold it on purpose maybe I don't wish to share every thought, every dream, every emotion. Some of me is just for me not you nor anyone else.

Current mood: disappointed.

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5th January, 2008. 9:27 pm. It's been forever.

So I kinda forgot all about my LJ for the last few years it seems. Maybe it's because nothing important or drastic has happened in my life. Things have been well for me life is just trucking on, my kids get older the days seem shorter, but life is better.
 We have less money worries not that they are gone just that they are better. I guess I can actually say I'm stable. I still enjoy playing World of Warcraft, have found a new hobby the SCA and have enjoyed going to Pennsic twice now and look forward to another 11 day vacation with my hubby there again. It's good to get completely away from mundane life,sometimes.

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20th December, 2005. 8:27 am. Shameless Gimmie's

Okay Christmas is comming I can't stop it. The financial troll's (you know the ones that run out of nowhere and sap you of all cash and then some) are viciously attacking.
When you are having car problems and the mechanic calls and says you need to come down and have a look at something it's never I repeat never a good thing! So of coursethat's just what happened yesterday. So now instead of 200$ what's wrong with the truck is now going to cost us 700$ in parts alone on top of the 200$ to fix it. I don't have it I'm not going to have the money anytime soon I'm not even sure if I'm gonna have the money I need to pay my bills that come at the 1st of January. So... I'm now looking for work so much for staying home with the kids till Thomas starts kindergarten at least I got 7 months I guess I can't complain but there isn't crap for the types of jobs I want I don't want to do fast food again, actually I refuse to do that, but right now finding an office job doesn't look like it will happen there are not any, unless I want to work front desk at a hotel which doesn't sound bad but the last time I applied the lady was really snotty everytime I spoke with her (though I think there is a new manager) well I'm applying anyway and if I hate it I can always just keep looking for something else. Unless any of you fine family members know of a nice job here in town that has flexibility, and pays decent.
Okay and on to the gimmies see after Christmas I have one more chance to get what I want my Birthday. I'll be 31 and dang it if I want video games I should get video games, and stuff to go with. I plan on getting World of Warcraft not the battle chest or whatever no expansion pack stuff for right now I'm just wanting what I've been playing I'm pretty sure I'm getting a nice chunk of Wal Mart gift cards from Brett's family cause that's what I've asked for, so here's what you can do for me
go here get me the world of Warcraft official strategy guide or go to Wally world and purchase me a 60 day play card. Then at least if I have to go to work again I'll have something to do at home besides clean and complain about having to go back to work which will make everyones life a little better, because when I'm happy nobody gets yelled at. End gimmies, end complaining.

Current mood: aggravated.

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